Posts tagged: life
I think it’s time for change of what I do. Very much thinking about doing what I love to do vs working for someone else. Just gotta figure out how to make it profitable.
Always able to find great music with purpose and meaning. And it helps keep me calm and relaxed which is always a plus.
The Virginia War Memorial, a place I frequent here and there. Probably the most beautiful and yet calm place in the city of Richmond to visit. Where those who gave their lives are forever remembered.
My grandmother told me several times of a story concerning a jar of pickles she sent my great uncle during World War II. My great uncle had written my grandmother asking if she could send some pickles as he had a longing for them as he was currently somewhere in norther Europe. He was Killed In Action, November 29th 1944 about a week or so prior to the official dates of the Battle of the Bulge. It would always bring her to tears when she would tell the story. I believe about 10 months after received their notice of his death, the jar of pickles was returned to sender 13 months after my grandmother had mailed it to her brother.
Fast forward to the end of 2012 into the beginning of 2013. I was leaving Afghanistan and making my own way back to the States. My grandmother was in failing health. I left Frankfurt Germany January 7th and landed in Huston Texas early the evening on the 7th. I was informed the next day by my father that my grandmother had finally passed away on January 8th. Part of me will always believe she did not want to leave not knowing that I made back to America alright, since losing her own brother to way 68 years prior in WWII, and that as I said was always very emotional for her to think about.
The statue “Memory” you see behind the panes of glass with names of those killed in WWII, one of those names on far left pane of glass is my great uncle.
Ran TMACS “Set It Off” and “Turn and Burn” drills yesterday like 20 times each. Was a lot of fun, I like the idea of PT and shooting guns.
And yes Trijicon HD Night Sights are very nice pistol sights indeed!
I miss being there. I miss the people, I’ve meet so many great folks while I was there who I never knew until I was there. I miss the experience, I miss being apart of something greater than ones self. I miss how simple it was. I miss the lessons on life it taught me. I miss the appreciation for it. I miss something that only few understand, but that’s for us to know and try to open the eyes of others on life. It’s a choice on whether or not anyone wants to hear and listen.
Life is like a story, it’s constantly being written. But unlike a story once life is written you can’t go back and edit what has been wrote.
I think about things and then out of no where I have an epiphany and knowledge and understanding slaps me in the face on something. Then it’s a race to remember it some kind of external way other than memory because I’ll more than likely forget it. Just like what’s below.
Daily, multiple times daily even when I don’t actively think about it my mind always does. It thinks what next? What happens after military life? In many ways it’s a panic but it is a very legitimate question. I have said before that me and the military is a true love/hate relationship. I’ve hated most of it, but the small amount I love about it I’d never take back for anything. Even as a reservist I miss and long for how a military unit operates at my civilian job. My days of active duty are just that years of active service lived daily. I question the purpose of what I do at work a lot, it just seems it’s not legit and the reasons have no real meaning behind doing the work, but it pays the bills so I go.
I even look at my own life outside of work and what I do. I used to ride motorcycles, made motorcycle video’s, did track days, always rode up in the mountains of Virginia, dedicated and immersed myself in improving my riding ability through body mechanics on the bike, braking and throttle control, suspension setup, tire pressures, tires, chain maintenance, engine maintenance, gearing, engine mapping, etc.
And it’s no different than how I immersed myself with making video’s, dedicating the time and money to buying cameras, learning how to video, how to get the shot on my motorcycle with my GoPro, or from a tripod of a city skyline with my Canon 60D, night time settings, even learning how to take still photo’s to speed up my DSLR filming skills. Researching how to make camera rigs on the cheap to assist in various filming techniques. Hours spent on google maps looking for locations to film at or photo at. Just a lot and I mean a lot of time dedicated and spent on videography and photography and becoming better at both.
Even with guns, I have just as with the previous 2, just broken it down into a learning science for myself. To be able to gain as much knowledge as possible. From the type of handgun, to caliber, to my personal likes, to fit and feel, cost, overall cost when you factor in everything from ammo, extra mags, holsters, mag carriers, belts, sights, medical supplies just in case. Time spent on online looking up information and research, to in person talking with other folks who shoot guns. How the trigger feels, how my sight picture is, how shooting both eyes open is so much easier than one eye open. How do I focus on even doing that with a TBI which effects me all the time in all aspects of my life, and directly interferes with my visual processing ability, and short and long term memory, and focus.
That and I have been just doing home improvement projects. Redid my attic insulation properly, sealed my crawl space, built a storage shed from the ground up no kit or directions, and more projects to get done when the warm weather is here to stay and the cold is out till winter later this year. I’m a DIY’er and yet it’s like I’m looking for a purpose, to see what I can do what I’m good at and I do what it is I set out to do. I have no limiting abilities yet, I don’t see myself as a expect on any one thing but I want to be good at everything. I do know that I love video and photography and that has seemed to tie into everything else I do, it’s just finding and figuring out that way, having that epiphany on how to make that what I do, so I can do what I love.
I never get tired of watching this short by Mickey Smith. The visuals with his narration of how he lives his life as you watch him live it. Living life because he is doing what he loves, so he never works a day of his life, he lives the freedom most of us will never understand or achieve for whatever the reasons are. All I know is I will get there, doing what I love so that I never work a day in my life
I think Queensofbattle got it right with the title to his video. ” When you do what you love, you never work a day in your life”
I do love my guns, I don’t have a rifle other than a crappy 22lr I’ve had for a few years, I’m more focused still on my pistol shooting and mastering those fundamentals before adding a rifle. I also rode a motorcycle for a while but haven’t in years now do a few reasons.
But aside from the guns and my motorcycle, I do miss doing my photography and videography. Those of you who have followed me for a while know I did both at one time and was doing it quite. I enjoyed doing photography and video on really anything it didn’t matter, it ties into things that I love to do and then just broadens it all. I was even looking at a Canon 7D or 5D MK II or MKIII this morning. The enjoyment of life vs the dull mundane everyday job, which is not what I need or want anymore. Time never slows for anyone, and life keeps moving forward never backwards only we go backwards.
by Suzanne Grosser.
Dealing with your PTSD may be the most difficult thing you ever do. Trauma is devastating and healing is demanding. But this may be the most rewarding and beneficial time you ever spend on yourself. You can experience Post Traumatic Growth.
As you work through your pain, confront your fears, and face the truth about life, you will gain some precious things.
You learn who your friends are. These are the people who tried to help you. They listened to you rant when you were angry, held your hand when you were scared, and gave you a tissue when you were sad. These are the people who didn’t dump you even though you were being impossible. These are the ones who got in your face and told you that you were being impossible, even though you didn’t want to hear it. Now that you’re getting better, you realize how grateful you are for them. PTSD has shown you who really cares about you.
You discover the real you. You aren’t a superhero. Damn. You aren’t perfect. Double-Damn. This one really hurts me because I spent most of my life trying to be perfect or at least pretending that I was perfect. Now though, the secret is out, the pressure is off. You don’t have to pretend to be a superhero anymore and I don’t have to pretend to be perfect anymore. Post traumatic stress disorder has cured us of our inflated egos.
You gain respect for yourself. You’ve learned how strong you really are. Not superhero strong, but not bad for an imperfect human being with no super powers. You survived this! You are scarred but you survived, and even if you’re still messed up, you are here reading this, which means you are looking for good stuff to come out of it. That is huge! PTSD has shown you the value of the real you.
You learn what you really believe. Some people come out of trauma with a deeper faith in religion. Others reject religion all together. For most of us, religion is part of the package of “should’s” and “ought to’s” handed to us as children. We are taught what we “should” believe and what we “ought to” do. Trauma kills the “should’s” and the “ought to’s”. What survives the trauma, whatever serves you well during your agony is worth keeping. Dump the rest. You will clear the way for the truth. If post traumatic stress has taught you anything, it is the value of the truth.
You can stop worrying. You can quit worrying about a lot of things, because you have already been there. You don’t have to worry about whether your friends are real friends. You don’t have to worry about being perfect, or a superhero. You don’t have worry if you’re a hypocrite when you sit in a church pew. You don’t even have to worry about being hurt again – because you know that you can survive it. And you know that it won’t destroy the real you. PTSD has made you resilient.
If you are in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer, you have asked yourself this question many times. If you are thinking of ending that relationship, there are a lot of questions you should be asking yourself. Click here to learn more.
You learn what is important to you. A lot of things that you once spent a lot of time and effort on before your trauma, may seem kind of silly to you now. Buying all those clothes or fussing over your hair just to look good at work. Important then. Silly now. Or for you, it could be the opposite: maybe you never put much effort into your appearance. Now you see it as a sign of respect for yourself. Whatever is important you, you now pursue. Post traumatic stress disorder has given you the clarity to respect your own values.
You learn who is important to you. And who you should let go of. Some relationships are too painful and too troubled to continue. Let them go. Make time in your life for the people you want to have around you. Thank them for being there. You now have the courage to follow your heart.
You become more compassionate. You hid your pain for a long time, didn’t you? So now you know that people can be suffering, yet never show it to those around them. If you could hide your pain so successfully, others can too. So if someone is irritable in the supermarket checkout line, you don’t get irritable back. You smile. Perhaps offer a word of encouragement. At the very least, you smile at the cashier when it’s your turn. See, don’t you like you better already? Post traumatic stress disorder has made you kinder.
You are less judgmental. You know what it’s like to judged. You know that things are not always as they seem. You realize that you can never know another person well enough to judge them fairly. You learned these things the hard way. PTSD has made you less rigid and more open-minded.
You discover a new purpose for your life. Trauma smacks you around, spins your life in new directions. Some of those directions you might not like. Others you will choose to follow. You have come face to face with some really awful things. You have accepted that some things can and should be changed.And you have decided you are going to be part of that change. PTSD has given you a new purpose.
We all grow up with other people telling us who we are and what our lives should be like. We made ourselves fit in with the people the around us, because that was all we knew. We developed habits and accepted ideas often without much thought. Trauma changes all that. Post traumatic stress disorder forces us to face ourselves and your life. It also frees us to choose who we will be and what our lives will be about. Your life is yours now, what are you going to do with it?
Anyone who follows Funker530 on youtube has probably seen some of the firefight footage there. But I had not realized the full length movie had been released several months ago so here it is. This follows MSOT (Marine Special Operations Team) 8222 through their time Bala Murghab Afghanistan, along with members of ODA Team 1314, members of the 82nd Airborne, US Airmen and Sailors and Italian Soldiers of the 183rd Airborne.
The first day of 2014 is almost over, and for me personally it is time to refocus on things that I love. I have spent a good long time not doing the things that I enjoy doing because of just life happening and that consuming my time, and just energy with all that seemingly endless shit that is going with me. But that is not to deter me from goals I had been pursuing for years until I hit my break. I do truly miss doing my photography and making video’s, motorcycles and generally enjoying life. But the good news is that it is still winter so things are still calm people wise which affords me chances to get out and restart without losing focus and distraction. I am looking to meeting up with another local photographer whom I’ve said something about meeting up almost a year ago.
As far as 2013, well it was a rough year, just a shit ton of things going on family wise coupled with my own personal issues. But most of those things have passed, and my own issues well those are things I have to learn about as they come forward and then live with.
We’ve had this rain all day up until around 4pm EST today. I just got home from Walgreens and getting a few thing. I just happened to look up to notice how clear the night sky was and also how well I could see many stars considering where I live is in a very light polluting area. Had brief thoughts of seeing the galaxy while I was out in the middle Pacific Ocean standing on the flight deck at night no land within a thousand miles of us, or how I was smoking a cigarette at night in the middle of nowhere Afghanistan, just looking at the stars and watching my cherry moving up and down as my hand moved to and from my mouth. Either way appreciating life is just that, appreciating life.
This Will Destroy You, always has awesome ambient music.
Scrolling through my previous posts, I think this picture does the best to sum up why I loved motorcycles and riding. Not to be in a club, or at a gas station hanging out, or who can go the fastest from one stop light to the next downtown in 100 meters. It was so I could be free, to enjoy life and other beautiful things about it, the mountains in George Washington park behind me, the calm and beauty, just a few friends who all love to ride enjoying and living why they love to ride. I’ll get back there, or at least I hope I do assuming my medical condition steaming from my TBI doesn’t put a permanent end to that. And even if it does, the thought of doing something motorcycle vise for Veterans and Active Military alike has been a constant thought in my mind for quite a while now.